HER HONORABLE SUICIDE NOTES.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

it was a tough week for me last week. (even now)

relationship problems
parents problems
money problems
emotion problems

why am i facing so many problems?
Especially from you?
thing for both of us jus seems to get worse
why is this happening?
i dont understand.
i dont get you.
and he still dont get it too.
nor is he trying to make things better.
it seems that he's not doin anything at all.
no effort.
no action.
no shit man.

i did nothing wrong from the start at all.
so what if now im not wad i used to anymore?

you made me this way.

you made me feel miserable (everyday, and it getting worse)
you made me feet unappreciated
you made me feel like a spare tyre
you made me feel that im not loved by you at all
you made me feel jaded
you made me feel numb
you made me have thoughts.
you made me not to love u like i used to anymore

your reasons are jus absurd and ridiculous.

im not commiting much anymore
its just seems so pointless for me
cuz shit is wad i get in the end.
i deserve this?
what for right?
whatever you said or promised apparently are paradoxal
none i got from you.

im so tired
i feel so lost
i snapped
i need my escapism.

i met up some hock folks last fri at sucha odd time
midnight.
i was really unhappy whole day
i couldnt smile genuinely.
my heart and mind are in sucha drag for me to take
life jus feel like death to me.
i need accompany
i need to go crazy
hence, i went all the way to sk to find them
Jojo, Corny, Shark (came down after his drinking), Daps, and Suhui.
i seriously wanna thanks Jojo and Corny.
i appreciate what you guys did, simply for the sake to make me happy.
i was really happy that night.
thanks you all.
i missed those time where i feel that ive no probs nor anything to worry abt
all we ought to do is to broad about what is fun to do.
simply jus have fun!
we were bad ass punks that night.
all geared up
with rollarblades, skateboard, scooter, haro bike and mountain bike
drunkard Shark riding like a loose lunatic
Corny complaining and whinning at practically everything
Jojo acting cool and his phoney jokes
Daps smiling silly-ly at everything
Suhui making Jojo look like a stupid dork
and me, scolding and controlling all the guys
not forgetting my ultimate laughters
i was so happy that night.
played blind catching on the neighbourhood feet massage pebbles.
Jojo suggested it.
and ah! i wan more!
sooooo frigging fun!
unfortunately something happened
my phone was in my pocket.
i fall and landed on it
the screen cracked.
great...

"sucha good deal, thanks god!"

im like so --.-- over it
and Jojo goes, at least u had a great time uhhh?
yeah, i did. phone cracked?
ahhhh... i guess nvm la (for now)
if something that can be solved by money.
its not really a problem isnt it?
but here's the problem.
where i get the money?
hahaha....

zzz this time i still can joke.
oh wells.

you asked
"will you really be better off without me"
would you?

here's a song im dedicating to all the friends that appreciate & love me for being who i am
and those that showerd me with care and concern.
those who stood by me.
i never knew i have friends that worried and hate seeing me unhappy
i'm really happy to know
i never knew.
but i do now.

guys, i know what im doing.
dont worry.
let me hang on.
:)

Escape the Fate - Friends and Alibis

sorry, they dont have music vid for this either :(

Oh, I hate to be the one to bear the bad news
Yes, it is true
I finally fell in love
I fell so hard that I'm killing myself
Yes, I need help
Out of this grave that I've dug

And all the friends that I have gone through
And how much I deserve the pain
It's a shame

So hold your head
Hold it up high
Here's to the friends that were alibis
Keep this close by your side
When I come home we will have our night

Oh, they always told me I was gorgeous in a way
And that fateful day
I found who I was
So fill this hole with my prescriptions
I just keep feeding my addictions

And all the friends that I have gone through
And how much I deserve the pain
It's a shame

So hold your head
Hold it up high
Here's to the friends that were alibis
Keep this close by your side
When I come home we will have our night
We will have our night

You were the ones that stood by my side, whoa
And I was the one that fought all of your fights

(Hold your head, hold it up high) Whoa
(Keep this close by your side) Whoa

So hold your head
Hold it high
Here's to the friends that were alibis
Keep this close by your side
When I come home we will have our night

Hold your head
Hold it up high
Here's to the friends that were alibis
Keep this close by your side
When I come home we will have our night

Hold your head
Hold it up high
Here's to the friends that were alibis
Keep this close by your side
When I come home we will have our night
We will have our night

2:52 AM

Friday, April 11, 2008

crap-felt
a song that kinda describe me
by
Escape the Fate - Reverse this Curse

they dont have music video for this song :(

A withered past and a blurry future,
My hearts on an auction,
It goes out to the highest bid.

I live to fast, and I know I will lose her,
But there is an option, to die is to live in her head.

So I'll hang on, never let go.
I dug this pain into my chest.
It's dead
[Chorus:]

One last chance to reverse this curse,
You stole my heart but I had it first.
And now I see you've got something to prove,
And nothing to lose, so let me tell you the truth.

A deadly wish but it should've come sooner,
A corpse in a funeral that I would never attend.
There is a light on in the back of this house,
But you're not around, to die is to live in her head.

So I'll hang on, never let go.
I dug this pain into my chest.

[Chorus:]
Instead,
One last chance to reverse this curse,
You stole my heart but I had it first.
And now I see you've got something to prove,
And nothing to lose so let me tell you the truth.

So, this goes, out to, the ones that fall in love,
And to, the girl, that filled my heart.
Last night I had the weirdest dream,
That you and I drove up the darkest streets,
Passing through these city lights,
Closure for the kiss that died.

One last chance to reverse this curse,
You stole my heart but I had it first,
And now I see you've got something to prove,
And nothing to lose so let me tell you the truth.

One last chance to reverse this curse,
You stole my heart but I had it first,
And now I see you've got something to prove,
And nothing to lose so let me tell you the truth.

(whisper) This goes
Out to
The ones that fall in love
Into the cold
That filled my dark (heart)

6:43 PM

Thursday, April 10, 2008

i had a horrible day
i totally hate it.

and i tot it was suppose to be special and everything
but it wasnt even halfway there, not even abit
it was our one month annivesary yet it felt like it was the mark of our first quarrel
actually wanted to give him something but i changed my mind.
jus not feeling right today. i guess i was right

he said things that made me think otherway about him
things that made me hesitate to love him
things that made me not to believe fully him anymore
things that made me love him less
things that made me regret getting into a relationship
things that made me feel that im jus a pitstop to him
things that made me want to give up everything
things that made me feel that we dont belonged together

and this is the reason why i dun like to talk abt it alright
because i wanna love u without any doubts nor hesiatation
unfortunately so, after today... i found myself with many.

i hated u today.

i wasnt able to even give a genuine smile the whole day
i havent have this feeling for a very long time
- the feeling of sadness that really bothers me
and it really does.
its seriously making me feel like jus giving up everything
and becoming my oldself again
its not jus feelings.
i have thought of it. silly i know but i did.
i dont wanna get too hurt.
but i tell myself that its jus a thought,
dont get old scar get to u Christina.
there's always space for something better, maybe he is the something better
let the stupid thought go.

problems seems to lies only in me over a quarrel
he only care about himself, his own thoughts, his feelings, his point of view
where's mine?
he nv even try to understand mine at the end of the day
he did but jus only the surface
he dont understand me

:(

we have our own ways of handling problems
i know that avoiding problems are wrong but
i dont like the feeling of being worried almost everyday
i deal with it much later in the day so it wouldnt spoil my mood which i could have a great time with
when im upset, i like being quiet
(pple, im always quiet when im upset isnt it? if not i flare dont i?)
cuz i dont wanna quarrel or come up with unreasonable stuff that i could or usually do
i jus want myself to shut up to prevent anymore damage to us
i dont like to talk much cuz when im upset, i couldnt think properly and tackle the problem.
im better talking to frens and texting.
words jus gets stuck at my throat when i wanna pour them out

but im really sorry that i text my fren and listen to music in our midst of the stupid arguement

i jus felt he's so different lately
or after when he's back from the States

different in everyway
my heart tells me so
the look in his eyes, actions, the words he said
especailly "i was jus too ____ to love"
it made me feel like shit cuz i've given my best to you
i guess the chinese saying is true -
"havent got u, treat u as treasure. got u , treat u like shit"
even thou we stopped the quarrelling or cold war whatever shit
he didnt even ensure i was feeling alright or wadeva.
it was me.

"are u alright"
"are u still upset"
"dont be... im sorry alright"
"i dont wan to fight no more"

he didnt even try like...

"why is that so?"
"baby dont be sad too"
"i am so sorry about that . . . . "

nooooo
none.

i just dont like being unhappy. or tooooo unhappy
i like living carefree and laughing at everything
is that wrong? :(

didnt have any proper meal today
havin slight headache now.
like usual if i go without meals
i dont have much appetite today

even now i am home

alone

i jus feel really sad.

i'm
sad, confused, distraught, lost, annoyed, upset and lonely.

yes.

i am feeling lonely
i needed someone but i dunno who to turn to.
so i turned to my blog.

i cant feel him lately.
stranger
i just wished to know whats wrong

i feel so shit.
i tried all means to make him happy
sacrifices of friends, time, family trust, lifestyle
all i get in the end is me feeling so shitty about it

im starting to feel like drifting away.
apart from both of us are drifitng away
partly because i wanted to
partly because he made me feel like to
partly because i dont want to be the one putting in all the effort

i wasnt able to get myself to sleep at all
there is jus this irritating pain that lingers around my chest
i wonder how bad would it gets if it was later.
ive no mood to do anything but here.
:(

i would want to love u endlessly or i did
but u made me feel like stopping.
im not going to initiate much as i use to anymore
i think im giving u too much
i felt that i am taken for granted

but however so
i love u dearly still

3:03 AM

Saturday, April 05, 2008

how adorable!
watch more of them at your tube!

Simon's Cat 'Cat Man Do'

6:02 AM

i just finished season 1 of gossip girl
and i caaaaaaaaaaant wait for season 2
oh my god.. its soooooooo gossipy
alright.

the show does sound bimbotic,
i do agree cuz i felt this way too.
and if u mistake me as one bimbo
means, u dunno me at all
but other than the bimbotic title.
the storyline is jus so JUICY

scandals are so messed up which is kinda heart wretching if it does happens to us
the character are suppose to be 17 but they werent acting or supposingly act like one.
they jus seems so adultish or seems to be at the age of ours, twenties
i think the hottest guy is

NATE ARCHIBALD

trust me, he looked really hot in the show.
pictures? naahh.. haha

and number 2 is CHUCK BASS!
omg... i jus kinda drool all over my keyboard.
ahahaahaha!
(more i look at him, the more handsome he gets... oh my!)

but the sweetest guy is DAN HUMPHREY!

the thing he does not really impressive
but it is they things he says. jus soooooooo awww... how i wished . . .

the girls are pretty bad, like good girls gone bad.
like me!

hottest girl.. hmm.. all are hot!

Serena Van Der Woodsen

BLAIR WALDORF

JENNY HUMPHREY (Dan's sister)

i dun really like her in the ending

hahaha...

alright alright
the initial part of the drama wasnt very nice thou
the story was kinda like throwing at u and u have to catch it
and i was like wondering why am i watching sucha bimbo show
due to kill time, i jus watch on for fun
however when its reaching the end is jus so nice!
seeing bestfrens fall out and got back tgt
couples broke up, realised the mistakes they commited, and cant live without each other
(still fall out thou- at the end)

seeing people in different world, accepting each other differences and falling deep into love.

all in all,
it simply sweet yet wicked.

seeing Serena and Dan togther at the last few episodes
really made me smile

(dammit! jus so sugar-coating!)

(i didnt know there's sucha way to teach pool =D)

reminded me of someone whose in the tiny little evil heart of mine

its jus resemble, dont they?
things they said to each other in the end.
its jus so coincidence to ours or hope it would be said
aaaah... so lovely

anyhow...
ONE MORE DAY TO GO!
weeeee...
met up Chi, Jason and Fai today.
Fai was acting weird today.
and i dont know why :(
or perhaps i do know somehow.
oh wells.
i guess it cant be helped

i know u love me.
xoxo

- gossip girl : Christina.

(HAHA!)

"I want time to fly now
and till i sees him.
i want it to stop"

4:18 AM

Friday, April 04, 2008

finally it's friday.
2 more friggin days and i can see his face again!
im so anxious.

been staying at home alot this 2 weeks.
last sat - mon and thurs was home. woah...
i realised i dont have any money to go anywhere!
and all my frens arent free. all started working
fuck i need a job too
but i wanna take 2 mths break b4 i really work.
the last day of sch was March 7
the last day of dip show.

means imma need to start work around May too
took many crazy ass pics with my design folks at dip show
althou we left sch already.
im still glad that we are still contact
like
Eulisa, Sam, Mark, Stacy, Kaireen, Matt and Am! :)
i'll post the pics other time. im lazy!

i dont know how to put this
but is a new phase of life for me now
no more school days :(
imma gonna plan to work 2 years or so
then, continue to study hopefully
these 2 years im going to save up!
i want to go overseas study if possible!!! (with him too if he does!)
if not, prolly somewhere in sg.
working really starting to scare me.
i have always dreaded abt it.
i guess i need to set some new goals from now.
im no longer a teenager soon

:( and i really hate growing up

WHERE'S NEVERLAND, I WANT TO GO THERE!!!
i want to be 15!!!!!!!!!!!!!

responsiblities responsiblities responsiblities is now i have to bear
so much things to consider
so much things to worry
no more carefree life

i have to mark myself in some place from now.
i am going to look for work after my birthday!

before that , i did went for some job interview
at Selectgroup
im not really interested thou althou they headhunted me.
what they offer doesnt interest me and main of all, its not a design house.
how am i gonna learn and benefit?
i jus dont feel good working there.
so folks, any design job offer please inform me willya?
i would love to hear from anyone!

i declared tt i am a sad girl these few days :(
cramping up at home is a killer for me
so many days! the walls are giving massive headache.
so this wad non sch life is huh?
WHAT THE CHAO CHEE BONG!
so boring can.
omg.
i cant believe i felt that fun days would come to an end
NO NO NO.

its not gonna happen on me.
i still wan to have lotsa freaking fun and cheap thrill even im older

goal is to work hard and play hard!
BAHS.
O L D E R :(

and i still dun have any idea where or how to celebrate my birthday.
watched gossip girls jus now and they had this masquerade party
its pretting intriging . not knowing who each other is

get around and party. knowing pple.
finding partners, finding your partner
dancing with boys that might not know who is it
waaahahaha.. then when strike 12, all masks have to be taken off

and u could see whose ya partner.
how surprising wonderful yet scary! ( cuz if ya partner is crap, here goes the date. ha!)
if design sch got sucha party, it will be wicked awesome!
i will go find... heh heh heh!

i cant wait for tml to come.. den Sun to come.
omg lah!
days seems to be passing so slowly
:( :( :( :( :(

SHIT U CALENDER!

hahaha...

anyway, this might be a old song.
but i like it very much!
listen close alright

HOWIE DAY - COLLIDE

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

5:58 AM

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Alright Alright.
sorry once again.
"SORRY"happened in once a blue blue moon that i went MIA.
u bet, my internet was down a mth ago.

but its back now, dont fret yo.

on this faithful day on 9th of march 2008'

my fate got intertwined with someone's.

someone who felt the need of a connection between us
the connection would bring happiness along with 'us'

our acquaintance might be folly and short

but yet it felt in perpetuity

time doesn't matter

because following the heart does.
hence, loneliness never felt the same again

as our hearts arent.

He is someone. . .

who is willingly to make me happy with all he could offer
who is willingly to comfort me when i am devastated
who is willingly to be my anger emission
who wanted to be someone special in my heart
who wants me to be by his side
who wants to be my world.

(hopefully !)

and lastly,

he, who is willingly to love me endlessly.

(hopefully again ! !)

He . . . is Jacob Lim Fang Yao

He popped the Qs on this faithful day to my surprise.
and glad he did.
i was waiting for this moment honestly.
and he was seizing for the chance.
which is that day.

know how he popped the Qs?
he tricked me to it.
haha...

here's how it happened

it was the usual supper time for us,

while waiting for him i played Viwawa

he called and said he was watching tv with his dad. (something amissed i thot)

so i waited..

den he called and said he jus left hse.
after awhile...
he called again and sound friggin hectic

" PLEASE COME OUT NOW I BEG U !"

"but i'm playing game!"

" NONONO, I BEG U . please come out out down. quick!"

(frightenened) i rushed out and cancelled my mj!

walk out the stair while on the phone with him.

den i saw this pasted on the wall next to the stairs...

(he lied everything saying he watch tv with dad,
but tt's when he's on the way here to prepare!)

i go
"WHAT THE HELL!"
thinking - what is he up to... dont tell me...!
...

so i went down the stairs.. after 2 flights.
i saw this one the floor

this post-it is sticked to the floor, accompanied by 2 candles.
i blew them out and took the note. hahaha!
and i goes " orh oh..."

so i continued walking down...
saw another one too.

i kept on smiling all the way while reading all his msg,
i felt that those words were so genuine.
it touched my black heart!

after taking this note away and blowing off the candles.
i went down, while im still on the phone with him.
slowly i could hear double echos of his voice.
one from the phone, another from elsewhere.
den i saw him sitting down there with one mattress blocking a side of the stairs.
and i saw many friggin candles.
i couldnt read it first... so i went there and asked

" what is this ? ! "

den he goes -.-
u sure u dunno.
so i took another looked...

i stunned!!!

here it is

" BE MY . . . "

AINT HE SWEET!!!
this melts me instantly...

dont ask me i got cry anot! (cuz everybody ask me this Qs!!!)
i didnt! i was too shy too cry!
ahahaha..
gave him a hug. lalala...

few more days and we are gonna be a month tgt.
i havent seen him for almost 2 weeks.
He's in States, Philadelphia now.
back on the 6th.
i miss him so badly that i often get angry at myself!

" i felt indifferent from what i had before
after since i have you
from the heart to the soul
from the thoughts to the care
it is all about you to me
thou the differences, its matters none
having you it is in all
feeling the joy is all i need
my promises are voluntarily
but words are true
afflictions are inevitably too
wherever it is, i would stand by you
our feelings might be too soon
but it felt so true
having two become one
you, whose now special in my heart
i love you. "

-Christina
i am not perfect but hope its perfect for you

12:45 AM